Broken Memories
by Blonde Thunder Ninja
Summary: Ryan has now officially become an ANBU...he wants to show his dad, his former dad, the mask but along the way is a depressing broken road he has to cross. Is Hyuuga Genji Ryan brave enough to confornt the old faded memories of his life?
1. The Playground

Notes: Okay this is….kind of emo in a way and sad. I hope you like it though…even if it is sad.

The Playground

Ryan got out of the ANBU department two years had passed and he had grown quite tall now at the age of fourteen, his hair was longer in dreadlocks down his back maybe lower, he wore the same clothes and had the same Hyuuga eyes and hat. He looked down in his arms….he had done it!

_Flashback_

"_All of you have done well in the ANBU exams but half of you have passed and half have failed, I'm impressed by all of your hard work very much." The ANBU captain spoke, "Now I when I call your names those called will come up to the front of the room."_

_He called out the names in alphabetical order and the people stood up, Ryan had begun to get nervous, what if he didn't make it? But it was as if at that moment time stood still when the captain called out this name…._

"_Hyuuga Genji Ryan…" _

_Ryan froze, could it be? Was he really chosen? He slowly got up and went to the front of the room all of the people's gazes were on him, some whispered among the crowds._

"_He's so young."_

"_Look at his eyes." _

"_He's a Hyuuga! From the Hyuuga Clan!" _

_It was embarrassing to hear the remarks of those who looked at him and whispered about him, as a child he had always been one to be teased about his eyes…and skin color at times. _

_When the captain stopped calling names he looked at all the lined up people including Ryan and smiled, actually smiled! What was going on here? _

"_Congratulations all of you at the front! You have all passed the ANBU exam! You are all now members of the ANBU to help protect the Sand and never back down on your word! Bare your masks proud!" _

_Ryan couldn't breathe for a minute he was so excited he didn't know whether to scream, faint, or cry! All he could do was smile as the Captain handed him a mask, "Bare it well." The captain said smiling. _

_Ryan looked down at the mask and it made his heart cry with joy as he looked at it. _

_End Flashback_

The mask was white porcelain and had three purple streaks running through it; it was a dragon ANBU mask. Ryan looked at it gently admiring the work sadly, truth was…his father had a mask just like this…just like a dragon one, but the markings were different.

'Dad…' he thought looking at the sky and then looking down, 'I should show him shouldn't I?'

"Ryan where are you going?" one of the newly recruited ANBU asked, "Won't you stay for the party?"

"No thanks man, I gotta go somewhere." Ryan said clutching the mask and taking off down the road. He didn't want to head home just yet, but he did want to go somewhere, somewhere important.

He took a shortcut down a narrow street and made it to the other side; he crossed left and passed a few aged houses, "Almost there." He said looking at the streets, "Not much has changed here." Then he saw an old playground and looked at it sadly. It had a swing set, a slide, a sandbox, and monkey bars, they all looked abandoned.

"I…remember this old place…." Ryan said staring at it and then going over to it he sat on the swing set.

_Flashback_

_A boy and his dad were walking down the street hand-in-hand; the boy looked like Ryan when he was four. He had shorter hair in shorter dreadlocks and no hat, he had big white eyes and wore a sleeveless tan shirt and black shorts and black sandals. _

"_Dad?"Ryan the four-year-old asked, "Where are we going today?" _

"_We're going to have some fun today, it's my day off and I'd like to spend time with my son." The man looked down. He wore dreadlocks in a high ponytail, he had dark skin like Ryan and dark eyes to match, he wore a Sand village headband on his forehead and had a black sleeveless shirt and black pants on with high black sandal boots. _

"_Really? Where dad? Where?" Ryan asked excited at the fact. _

"_Let's go to the playground today Ryan, you can run about there." His father said looking down. _

"_YAY!" Ryan said, "You're the best dad!" _

_End Flashback_

Ryan sighed silently swinging himself on the old swing, his dad used to swing him all the time….but that was a long time ago. He looked at the sad looking playground which looked sad as if no one would ever give it company and wanting children to play. It looked dead to him. Even the streets he had crossed looked dead. Nothing was as lively as it seemed that long ago.

He sighed remembering how nobody would ever play with him on the playground and how he only played with his dad, Ryan looked down in grief, it was as if nobody had really looked at him as if he was human.

_Flashback_

_Ryan walked over to a boy who was throwing a ball to another kid. _

"_Hi!" he said cheerfully, "Can I play with you? I love to play ball!" _

_The kid looked at him and his eyes widened, "Are you blind?" _

"_Blind?" Ryan asked, "No, I don't think I am? My eyes are always like this, I can see just fine." _

"_AH! It's a freak! He has creepy eyes like Gaara!" the boy yelled._

"_Gaara? Who's Gaara?" Ryan asked, "W-Why are you yelling?"_

"_GET AWAY FROM ME YOU FREAK!" the boy screamed pushing Ryan to the ground. _

"_Does this mean I can't play with you?" Ryan asked; a hurt expression on his face. _

"_NO! COME BACK WHEN YOU HAVE NORMAL EYES!" the kid yelled._

_End Flashback_

Ever since then kids on the playground would tease him about his eyes and call him a 'freak' no one would play with him at all. Ryan then told his dad later that he never wanted to come back to the playground again saying everyone was mean to him and all that. His dad had been disappointed that Ryan wasn't happy but to make sure he was happy he agreed to never take Ryan back to the playground ever again.

Now a pain stung in his heart, it was sorrow, he missed his dad. He hated the fact that he was different from others, but all those kids were stupid. They did not know of the clan he came from and how it affected his life in ways unimaginable. He missed his father so much. Tears slowly made there way down Ryan's face and onto the ground.

"I miss you dad…" he whispered and wiped the tears away.

Ryan got up and slowly left the playground leaving behind the broken memory of his past. He would never go there again, swearing it upon that cursed memory, he didn't look back as he walked away fearing he may vomit at the sight of it. More tears came down his eyes as he remember how happy he had been with his father, with that he broke into a run and down the street to his destination.

To Be Continued….


	2. The Lullaby

Notes: Okay…more to come, and more emoness to bloom. Enjoy!

The Lullaby

Ryan hadn't stopped running and soon he came across another heart-breaking sight of his. It was an old apartment building; it seemed to be falling apart. Cracks were in the walls and the windows had broken glass still attached to them; the tiles of the roof were all rusted and some had even fallen off. A metal wire gate was in front of the building and a sign on the front of the gate read: DANGER KEEP OUT!

Ryan sighed, apparently that building must have gotten bankrupt overtime, it seemed the world had gone dead ever since he left this part of town. He then narrowed his eyes at a second story window that was open with a few glass shards. With that Ryan climbed the fence and hopped to the other side.

"I'm surprised there's no guards here." He whispered as he walked along the dirty, cracked, un-kept ground, "Guess they all figured this place would fall apart on its own.

_Flashback_

_Four-year-old Ryan and his dad were walking into the building. _

"_Oh hello Koha-san, hello little Ryan-chan." A smiling old lady said nodding at them. _

"_Hello Kiku-san." His father said nodding at the lady, "Having a good day?"_

"_Oh just fine." The old lady laughed._

"_How are you feeling Kiku-san, are you all better?" Ryan asked, Kiku was their neighbor who had recently had a heart attack and just got back from the hospital. _

"_Oh much better dear thank you." Miss Kiku said walking off, "Koha-san, you make sure that boy of yours stays out of trouble."_

"_Hai Kiku-san." His dad sighed, "Come on Ryan, let's go make dinner." _

_End Flashback_

Ryan frowned, he remembered after that day his father had told him Old Lady Kiku had passed away. It was really sad news too, he had loved the old lady who would watch over him while his dad was away on missions due to the fact he didn't have a mom.

He climbed up the window and stepped into the room, it was dark and empty, the floorboards creaked as he walked on then and some looked like they were starting to rot to nothing. Rats ran across the room scurrying away from the noise as Ryan slowly walked into the dead room. Then he careful made his way down the room and into a room where the door was torn down.

'Bandits…' Ryan thought angrily cursing at the thought of criminals living in this one place that had been his home.

He looked at the room; it was dark and had one window which only made the room look like a grave to him. There was no furniture at all, no electricity, the lights on the ceiling were broken and shards of glass were all across the room and crunched at his feet as he slowly made his way across the room. Ryan braced a hand on the wall and felt it, it was the same walls, and the same place…

_Flashback_

_Little four-year-old Ryan was tucked into bed snuggled down deep in the covers, a stuffed animal at his side, his dad came in smiling and turned on the nightlight. _

"_All ready for bed?" his dad asked. _

"_Not yet!" Ryan said, "I haven't had my good-night hug!" _

"_That's right!" his father laughed and gave him a hug. _

_Later that night Koha, his father, was reading in the family room on the couch when Ryan all of the sudden stumbled out crying. _

"_Son, what's wrong?" his dad asked._

"_I-I had a bad dream." Ryan sniffed._

_His father's eyes softened, "Is that all? Come on; let's get you back to bed." _

"_But dad, I'm scared, what if I have another scary dream again?" Ryan cried. _

"_Don't worry, I know, I'll teach you a song, I used to sing all the time as a boy and it always helped me go to sleep." His father said picking him up. _

"_Really?"_

"_Hai, really." _

_End Flashback_

Ryan pressed his forehead against the wall; it warmed his heart, the memory of that song. He remembered it well; he even taught it to his sisters and some of the younger Hyuugas in his days at the Compound. With that he softly sang in the darkness,

"**_Nano hana batake ni, iri hi usure…Miwatasu yamano hakasu mifukashi….Harukaze soyofuku sora o mireba…..Yusukikakarite nioi awashi."_ **Ryan felt tears start to run down his face at the memory of how the lullaby soothed him so much and choked out the last few words of the song, **_"Sato wa no hokagemo mori no iro mo….Tanaka no komichi o tadoru hiro mo…..Kawazu no nakunemo kane no tomo….Sanagara kasumeru oborosuki yo…." _**

Ryan collapsed to the ground sobbing, tears fell onto the floor as he cried. It broke his heart just to remember the song, how it always calmed him, how many could love it so and how he felt so abandoned. Abandoned just like the place he stood in now once known as his home, he felt empty inside, just being in this place made him dizzy with depression so much he felt like it was killing him!

Slowly he got up and shuffled over to the window climbing out and jumping to the ground with his mask in his hand. He almost fell to the ground as he landed. Ryan gave a last look to the abandoned building and whispered, "Tank-you, but I have to see my dad now." Ryan hopped the fence and went on down the road that filled his heart with sorrow.

To Be Continued…


	3. Pained Scars

Notes: Okay more sadness to come, Ryan still needs to continue the sad journey ahead of him! WARNING: There is cutting and emoness in this chapter! PS I do not know the English version of the lullaby. XP

Pained Scars

Ryan was sitting on a roof top taking a rest; he looked out at the broken down part of the Sand as if it was a thing that no one ever thought had existed. To some it would look like the ghetto part of Suna but to Ryan this was his home, his life, sure there were a few crimes that occurred in the town but nothing too bad. Most everyone had known his dad and Ryan passed by the people without giving them any mind.

"Why…." He asked himself, "Why do I feel this way? It hurts like hell…" he clutched at the fabric of his shirt where his chest was, at his heart.

Ryan then looked along his arms; the scars were still visible from the earlier years from when he was six to eight years old. Three long damn years he had suffered from depression and wanted to get rid of this….he had a big secret. He never let anyone know not his sensei or Masako, Toshiko, not even the Hyuuga Clan knew about it but…he cut himself on his arms.

It was true, he was never really as happy as he was; Ryan still did it even today doing it with a clean kunai knife across his arm and watch as blood formed on the wound dripping to the ground. No one ever saw the scars either; he had worn bandages for a time to cover up the scars on his arms and long sleeves. Ryan then felt more tears come out of his eyes as he remembered the first time of it, the pain that followed after the cut numbing his arms and mind, taking his mind off the emotion of sadness.

Ryan then shook in fear of when he was six how he had wanted to die, to be with his dad. He tried to commit suicide one too many times in his life but always ended up talking himself out of it wondering if that is what his dad would have wanted him to do. No…he did not want to. It was a waste of life and he wanted to be an ANBU and make his father proud and not blame himself for the death. Hiashi had said so himself, it was not Ryan's fault.

Ryan then shook, 'Oh God…I can't think about this…I need to get it off my mind.'

With that Ryan took out the kunai knife in his weapon pouch and held it up then he dragged the sharp blade into the skin of his arm wincing in pain at the feel of the pain. It was not a deep one but deep enough to make Ryan calm down.

"Fuck..." he hissed draggind the kunai deeper into the new cut.

"Wait…what am I doing?" Ryan panted as he looked at the bloody kunai, "Why am I cutting myself? This is wrong…I shouldn't be doing this…it's all wrong!"

More tears steamed down his cheeks falling off his face, some landed on the fresh cut making it sting more.

'I…have to see him…he'll make me feel better.' Ryan thought as he got up and ran off.

Meanwhile a figure stood at another roof hiding behind a chimney he looked in sadness at the sight he had just witnessed, "Oh Ryan, why didn't you tell anyone you were suffering so much?" the figure then followed solely behind Ryan careful to mask his chakra, 'God please save this one, his heart is filled with sadness.'

To Be Continued…


	4. Broken Path

Note: I know what you're thinking, no one would expect Ryan to do that kind of thing but…he does it. Think about it, he tries so hard to prevent anyone from knowing it and enough to try and be happy it's sad in a way.

Broken Path

"I'm almost there." Ryan grunted as he ran up the steep path in the road that led to a special place, he had only seen this place once….when he was six. He remembered that day…

_Flashback_

_Ryan, five-years-old, was reading a book and smiling to himself as he looked at the pictures, all of the sudden a knock came at the door. His father stood up and opened the door. It was a jounin, he had long blonde hair tied up in a low ponytail and the brightest cerulean eyes he had ever seen, the jounin looked about twenty. _

"_Genji Ryuu? What bring you here?" Koha asked with a smile. _

"_Koha-san, the Kazekage requests your presence he said 'At once'." Ryuu said seriously. _

"_I see, well then who will watch over my son when I am gone?" Koha asked._

"_It's okay; I'll watch the boy for you." Ryuu said smiling, "He's a very unique one isn't he?" _

"_That he is." Ryan's father said and then bent down to meet Ryan's eyes, "I'll be back in a few minutes it won't take long." He put on his dragon mask and left. _

_End Flashback_

Ryan frowned, it took at least an hour before his dad got back; he remembered how Ryuu had taken care of him even then, his own sensei. But then he remembered what had happened about a week afterwards, four days before his sixth birthday.

_Flashback_

_Ryan and his dad were eating at a ramen place in downtown Suna one night and Ryan happily ate at his ramen but his dad seemed to be staring at the bowl of food and playing with his chopsticks._

"_Dad? What's wrong? Are you okay?" Ryan asked getting worried._

_Koha sighed, "Ryan, there's something I need to tell you, I'm going away for a while and I won't be back for a few days."_

_Ryan looked at him, "But dad, what about my birthday; will your mission be complete before my birthday?" _

_Koha looked at his son, "Hai, I will make sure I finish the mission before your birthday Ryan, I promise."_

"_Dad…I have another question, why do I have these weird eyes?" Ryan asked looking sadly, "I wish I knew so that other people will respect me a little more." _

"_All I can say son…is that you have your mother's eyes, I'll tell you the truth when you're old enough, anyway I will promise to be back for your birthday." Koha managed to give a soft smile, "I'll be leaving tomorrow." _

_That Ryan was tucked into his bed as he always was, fast asleep. Koha looked at his son and sighed, he took a good look at his son as if he would forget who Ryan was the next day. An ANBU's life was risky and some didn't last long. He had a foreboding that this might be the last time he would ever see his son. A tear slowly made its way down his face, "Ryan, if I don't come back please know that I love you my son." _

_End Flashback_

Ryan felt himself cry again as he remembered his father's gaze, sadness and love, it was too bitter sweet of a memory. He would cut himself the most on his birthday, recalling the pain of the fateful day when he turned six.

_Flashback_

_Ryan was with Ryuu again, it was early in the morning four o' clock when a knock came on the door. _

"_Coming…" Ryuu yawned as he got up. Ryan ran pass him, "Is it my dad? Is my dad home?" _

_Ryuu opened the door and frowned Ryan frowned too, it was a special jounin of the Sand, he looked around the room and looked at Ryan, "Are you, the son of Koha?" _

"_M dad? Hai! Where is he? Is he home?" Ryan asked._

_The jounin looked at him with a sad expression and bent down, "Ryan, your father, I have some bad news about him." _

_Ryan froze, "W-What? Is he hurt?" _

_The jounin shook his head, "No, your father is dead boy; he was…killed in action."_

_Ryan's eyes widened, "NO! My dad can't be dead he can't be!" tears formed in his eyes, "He promised to come back on my birthday today, not die!" _

"_I know it's hard Ryan, your father was one of our best ANBU, you are to attend his funeral tomorrow." The jounin said._

"_B-But who will take care of me? Dad was the only family I have left." Ryan cried, tears dripped onto the ground._

_Ryuu looked at the boy and said, "I will take this one under my wing. He shall be my responsibility."_

"_Ryuu? Are you sure?" the jounin asked._

"_Hai…because, I lost someone too once." Ryuu said gazing sadly, "You may leave us now." _

'_I-I'm all alone. I have no one left. Now I'll never know who I am, I'll be all alone.' Ryan thought as he fell to the ground sobbing. He felt the world shatter around him...how would he ever survive with his father gone from this world?_

_End Flashback_

'No….No never again! I will never remember that again!' Ryan growled in his head as he punched one of the rocky walls causing the rock to crack and his knuckles to bleed.

"DAMN IT TO HELL! WHY GOD? WHY DID YOU TAKE HIM AWAY? TO LET ME SUFFER?" he screamed as he hit the ground sobbing clutching the fabric of his shirt at his heart with the bloody hand.

Finally he looked up seeing it, his destination he had finally made it….

To Be Continued…


	5. Cold Grave

Notes: Okay, just got back from a weird day at school! Whew! Anyways, how bout that chapter! I also have a song on this as you will see. Enjoy!

Cold Grave

Ryan slowly made his way up and knelt down. It was a memorial stone, not just any; it was a place for ANBU only, ones who had died in action. Carved on the grave were the words: **_Kohaku (Koha), Loving Father and Friend, God rest his soul_**

"Hi dad…" Ryan said sitting down smiling sadly, he touched the grave with one of his hands; the stone was cold and unwelcoming to him.

_I'm so tired of being here_

_Suppressed by all of my childish fears_

_And if you have to leave_

_I wish that you would just leave_

_Because your presence still lingers here_

_And it won't leave me alone_

"Been a while hasn't it? I think so too." Ryan said nodding at the grave, "Guess what? I finally made ANBU dad. I did it! I always knew I could and thanks to my friends for believing in me it really happened. But most of the credit goes to you dad."

_These wounds won't seem to heal_

_This pain is just too real_

_There's just too much that time cannot erase_

"You're a person I've always been inspired by, a lot has happened these past years, I figured out I'm half Hyuuga." Ryan laughed a little, "It's funny though, the Hyuuga Clan seems to suffer many burdens in there life just as I do now, maybe it's a trait."

_When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears_

_When you'd I'd fight away all of your fears_

_And I held your hand through all of these years_

_But you still have all of me_

"I came here to show you this mask, it's a dragon one, just like yours was….I remember the last time I saw you…that wasn't pretty was it?"

_**Flashback**_

**_Ryan was standing near the coffin containing his father's broken, bloody, and beaten body, it was around nighttime and tears were still streaming down Ryan's cheeks. Some birthday this had turned out to be. He looked into the coffin his father was still in his ANBU uniform the dragon mask on his face was cracked down the middle and his clothes were torn. Ryan then walked over to the coffin taking a piece of black cloth from his father's shirt and tugging it off, ripping it so that a loose shred was in his hand. Then he tied the cloth to his eyes silently tying it. The last thing he saw was his father's lifeless corpse. _**

_**End Flashback**_

_You used to captivate me _

_By your resonating light_

_But now I'm bound by the life you left behind_

_Your face it haunts my one pleasant dreams_

_Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me_

Ryan felt tears come down his eyes, "I don't wear that cloth over my eyes anymore now that I know who I am, my own person….sad thing is, I couldn't stand to have you away from me dad….I still can't stand it. Every now and then…I cut myself to numb the pain, but it only gives me more of a reason to feel your death was my fault, I've suffered from depression for three years, I still think I suffer it now."

_These wounds won't seem to heal _

_This pain is just too real_

_There's just too much that time cannot erase_

"How can I ever make it up to you dad? How can I ever make you proud of me?" Ryan sobbed leaning against the stone, "Please dad, if I go on like this and keep it all inside I might die!"

_When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears_

_When you'd I'd fight away all of your fears_

_And I held your hand through all of these years_

_But you still have all of me_

Ryan felt more tears come down and choked on sobs that came out.

_I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone_

_But though you're still with me_

_I've been alone all along_

"You've done enough already Ryan." A voice said softly.

_When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears_

_When you'd I'd fight away all of your fears_

_And I held your hand through all of these years_

_But you still have all of me_

Ryan turned around and his eyes widened, "Ryuu-sensei, what are you doing here?"

To Be Continued…


	6. Healing Wounds

Notes: Okay…I think this will be the last chapter of this short sad story. It will end happier I promise. I cried when I wrote this….it's so touching!

Healing Wounds

Ryuu stood there his blond hair tied in its usual ponytail and cerulean eyes gazed at the grave, "I said you've done enough Ryan, I came to find you. I went to ANBU headquarters but they said you took off."

"How'd you know I'd be here?" Ryan asked wiping his tears.

Ryuu softly smiled, "Because I knew that you'd want your dad to be the first to know about you're new rank."

Ryan smiled, "Yeah…you're right…" then he frowned, "How much did you see?"

"Enough." Ryuu responded and bent down to Ryan, "I know the pain of losing someone Ryan, in fact I've suffered once too."

Ryan looked, "Really? How?"

Ryuu frowned, "It was long before….I had a wife…she and I were wed and we were so happy together."

"What happened?"

"She died….both her and the baby…." Ryuu sadly gazed down, "Gomen, I've said too much."

"Sensei, it's cool, I know you suffer as much as I do." Ryan said.

"Indeed, I have the proof." Ryuu rolled up his sleeves, Ryan looked in shock, his sensei had scars and cuts along his arms.

"I cut myself a lot too Ryan, always thinking suicide would solve everything, it brought tears to my eyes just to remember her, but no…when I first saw you children I knew we were all alike in terms of suffering. I felt…I could make a difference to help us all to live like the people we are."

Ryan looked up and Ryuu looked down at him, "Ryan, look at the grave."

Ryan turned to see his father's grave and gasped at what he saw; growing in the dirt at the front of the grave was a white desert lily.

"It's a desert lily, a white one." Ryan gasped, "It's beautiful…"

"Legend has it, when that flower grows at a grave it means that the person is proud of someone and will never die in the heart of that person, considering you Ryan….it seems your dad loves you, he watches over you all the time." Ryuu smiled a tear made its way down his eye.

Ryan smiled, "He is isn't he? My dad lives inside my heart….but…how can I get rid of the scars of my past"?" Ryan looked at his arms, "They'll never go away and leave me, I need the past of my pain gone….how can I do that?"

Ryuu stood up, "Come on Ryan…let's go home, tomorrow I'll take you somewhere special."

"Where are we going?" Ryan asked.

Ryuu put a hand on Ryan's shoulder, "You'll see tomorrow, come, Masako and Toshiko will want to see that mask of yours." Ryan looked at the mask and nodded, "They will…"

Somewhere by that grave the spirit of a loving father smiled, his tears hidden beneath the cracked dragon mask.

_Thank you my son, I'll always be in your heart, and beside you….I love you…._

The End


End file.
